I'll start from the beginning. And they all won't be this long, I promise.
I went for my yearly mammogram the week before Thanksgiving. The Monday after Thanksgiving they called to tell me I needed to have a biopsy. Scared the crap out of me because I've never had to do that. I've always had to have an ultrasound because I have dense breasts and calcifications and they always want a better look. But they always send me on my way after the mammo and say, see you next year. So I panicked a little when they said biopsy.
I went on 12/12 for the biopsy. How embarrassing!! You lay on a table with a hole in it and let your boob hang down through the hole. I am by no means small breasted so that was embarrassing!! They numb the area and take about a thousand images and take their sample. Not painful. I describe it like dental work. You feel it, but it doesn't hurt. Took about an hour. They place a tiny little titanium bit where they take the sample so that when you get your next mammo, they know you've had a biopsy in that area. Then I got a mammo. The girl said it's my new baseline. They told me 3-5 business days until I got the results. That was a Monday.
On Wednesday, 12/14, I was driving into Pontiac to meet my mom & sister for lunch. I was going in early to do some Christmas shopping. I was about 15 minutes from home, it was 9:37am. I'll never forget that. My phone rings. My stomach drops. I see the number and my stomach wants to puke. Full of nerves. Recognize it's my gyno's number. Panic sets in. I answer, voice all nervous. She says she's calling from the dr office. I don't remember many details of this call now. Don't know who she was. She asked if I have received a call about my biopsy results. I say no. My mind is racing. Funny how many thoughts you can have in seconds. I remember thinking, it's only been a day, not even a day and a half, this isn't good.
She's going on and on. About what, I have no clue. No memories. I just remember her talking a lot. I hear her say positive cells. I interrupt and say, does this mean I have breast cancer?? My voice is squeaky and really shaky. She hesitates and says, yes sweetie, I'm so sorry. I don't THINK I said anything or cried right away, but I don't really remember. I remember thinking, I can still go meet mom & Jill, it's ok. But then I start crying. She says, I know, it's a lot to take in. I'm driving on M-24 at 55mph and it dawns on me that I should pull over because I don't remember driving. I whip into a parking lot. I don't even remember looking for traffic. Someone should tell that woman that she should ask where you are before you tell them they have cancer.
I pull into a parking spot and lose it. crying, crying, crying. She finally asks if I'm home. I tell her no, I'm driving, going shopping. More crying. She says she wants me to come in and talk to the dr tomorrow. I say, TOMORROW?!! NO! TODAY!!! She says, let me put you on hold and see what I can do. Um, you're going to call me and tell me I have cancer...not what kind, not how bad it is...and expect me to just live with that until tomorrow??! Maybe she did tell me what kind, but I have no memory of it. Another girl picks up the phone and says, Hi Margaret, how are you? all chipper. I snap back in the tone "DUH!" and say, NOT GOOD! oops lol. She probably had no clue what was going on. She quickly set me up with an appt for that afternoon.
I hang up, sit there BAWLING in a complete panic. I call Matt. He had just gotten to work and I'm screaming/crying into the phone, "I HAVE BREAST CANCER!!!!" I think I just kept saying it over and over but not sure. I do remember screaming it and screaming MATT!!! and just sobbing uncontrollably. He says, I'm on my way. He wants me to sit in the parking lot and wait for him. He's 45 minutes away and doesn't want me driving. I don't want to sit there, I want to go home. Later on he told me, I had no idea what you were saying. I couldn't understand a word you said, but knowing we had the biopsy Monday, he figured it out.
Next thing I do is text my sister, Jill and say, I'm not coming. I don't feel good. I remember texting but I had no idea what I said. I had to look later than night to see. I drive home and to be honest, I don't know how I did it. I remember sobbing and just whaling and saying over and over again, I have breast cancer! oh my God, I have BREAST CANCER!! (remember, no clue at this point what kind or how bad). I remember coming around the corner off the main road and someone was sitting at the stop sign and when I looked at them, the look on their face was...shock? I don't know how to describe it. I thought why? and then realized I'm still sobbing and screaming and my mouth was wide open in a scream. =/ that's my strongest memory. That person at the stop sign must've really wondered what the heck was wrong with me!!
Matt gets home, there's a lot more crying and panic. then I'm just numb. I just sit here staring. We go to the dr...stop and buy a recorder because we knew there was going to be a LOT of information coming our way. The dr tells us what kind. It's called lobular carcinoma in situ or LCIS. It's the kind that spreads to the other breast. It's non invasive though, which is confusing since it spreads to the other one. It's very tiny, we caught it very early. It's curable. She sends me to the surgeon to talk. She says same things. Says it's not stageable, we caught it so early. She was talking about a lumpectomy and radiation. She sends me for an MRI. More tables with holes for your boobs.
I got the results for that. It hasn't spread, just the one "suspicious area" as the report says. I go tomorrow back to the surgeon so she can tell me what she thinks I need to do. The nurse from the biopsy called me and said she'll probably send me for a consultation with an oncologist. If she doesn't, I'm going to ask her to because I have a LOT of questions. I want to know if they think the same thing as the surgeon. She seems really nice and compassionate, but she is all about preserving the breasts and at this point, I don't know if I am. I will get all into that in another post though cause this one is long enough.
It's much nicer to type it out than to have to tell everyone over and over. Me & Matt decided not to tell anyone until after Christmas because I love the holidays and have always tried to make them fun and happy for my kids and the last thing I wanted to do was to make them sad. Same for my mom and family. I didn't want to spend Christmas day over there sad and people asking me questions and talking about it. It was the worst 10 days. It was so hard to hide. I wanted to tell people. I had to lie sometimes and hated it. Felt so guilty and like everyone knew I was lying. We've told pretty much everyone now. there are still a few that don't know, but I want to tell them in person and it has to be the right time.
So there you go. That's how I learned and what I know so far. Another post to come after the dr tomorrow.
Marge
No comments:
Post a Comment