Choices

My head has been swimming all weekend. Consumed with decisions, my choices. Thought maybe if I typed it out, I'd feel better.




Lumpectomy. they will take out a piece about the size of 2 walnuts. I have a titanium bit in there to mark where I had the biopsy. She (the surgeon I'm not going back to) said they will examine it and see if they got it all. If that titanium bit is in there, they know they got where the cancer cell is. According to the book she gave me, which is very educational and interesting, it says they check the margins, the edge of the piece they take out. They look to see if there are any cancer cells around the edge. If there are, then they either didn't get them all or there's another kind of cancer, or both. That's called a dirty margin. It said this process is not 100% reliable. They can take out that piece and there could be more cells an inch to the right or left. There's no way to see them.  She said at that point they can go back in, take more (major pieces missing from your boob!), test it again and go from there. Have radiation to kill any remaining cells.


Radiation scares the crap out of me. I don't like the idea of zapping me with radioactive stuff. poisoning me. Killing cells. the book says you can't do radiation there again. What if it comes back? You can't wear deoderant for the 4-7 weeks you're getting radiation. You're tired for weeks after you're done. and it could change the look of your breast. Leaving it wrinkled, tanned in that one spot and sometimes scarred.


The surgeon said I tested positive for hormones....or something like that. I'd have to listen to the recording again to see how she worded it, but what she meant is that I would be put on a hormone receptor for 5 years. Probably Tomaxifen. I read about that too. Worse than radiation. It has horrible side effects. Stroke, pulmonary embolism, blood clots, uterine cancers..the list goes on and on. Says especially for overweight women. Hello!! I told her that my dad had a stroke and she asked from what. I said irregular heartbeat and I have that too. She said, that's different. how?? A stroke is a stroke and I have a lot of factors to have one anyway without adding a pill for 5 years that can give me one. And why would I take a pill for cancer that can give you cancer?????? 


I don't like any of the options. I have to choose something. One of my choices is to wait, see what happens. um, no! I want this gone!!


If I have the lumpectomy and they think they got it all, she said I'd be done. BUT, I'm now at high risk for cancer later on. And since this is the type that spreads to the other one, it will come back at least in the other one. Maybe not for 10 years she says. Ok, in 10 yrs I still plan to be active and living! I'll be 61. My sisters are around that age and they are like me. They don't seem in their 60's. I want to be like that, not getting cancer again!! And I definitely don't want to do mammo's and MRI's every 6 months until I get cancer again. I would feel like a ticking time bomb!


I have a cluster of calcifications and one of them went bad. They will want to keep their eye on the rest for the rest of my life. The chance of one or more of them turning into cancer is high. Likely to happen. these are all the things I heard at the dr. But she still wants to do the lumpectomy. She said if it comes back with other cancers then we can do a bilateral mastectomy. I say why wait? Why take chances? I'm high risk, I have a huge family history. it's more than likely coming back. Why do all this and then realize we need to do that anyway. Or why do that and then wait for the next 10 years for it to come back? dumb.


I made my own appt with an oncologist today to ask my questions, talk it over with him, see what he thinks. But now I'm second guessing myself because an oncologist is there to set up a treatment plan. I don't want a treatment plan. I want to be rid of this and to me, a treatment plan is just putting it off for up to 10 years. Matt said let's just go to the appt and ask our questions, get a second opinion, ask to be referred to a good breast surgeon and go from there. So tired of all of this!! Haven't even been dealing with it for 1 month and I'm SICK TO DEATH of it. 


In my opinion, I need to find a surgeon that agree's with me. Dr Susan Love said some women choose the mastectomy right off. They don't want to wake up every morning and think, is this the day I find a lump? Well, that's me. I think some people think I'm making too fast of a decision. I don't. It's ALL I've thought about since December 14th. I've read and read and read and they all say the same thing. They've been watching these calcifications for years and one finally went bad. Do I want them watching for the next 10, 20, rest of my life? no. 


Now to find a surgeon that agree's with me...or at least has enough compassion to understand.


fun, huh? it's a wonder I'm not insane.