Thursday, January 12, 2012

I hate being a patient

I've always hated it and I always will. I don't do dr's. I don't get physicals, check ups, blood work, all that. I avoid it. I hate going to the dr. I am not a good patient. I'm paranoid, I worry enough for everyone who is reading this and I'm a basket case with bad news. Therefor I ask and ask and ask and I expect clear, defining answers. Do I get them? no. I guess this is going to have to be 100% my decision. I'm tired of dr's telling me this is the good kind of cancer to get. Don't get me wrong, if I HAVE to have cancer, I want the good kind. But in my world, there is no good kind. 


I woke up in a bad mood. Pissed off at everyone and everything for having to do this. For having to go to a effing oncologist today. why me? I told Matt, I've hated my boobs since 5th grade. Yep, 5th grade. They've been nothing but trouble for me. In the way, too big, shirts don't fit right, forget looking good in a bathing suit. Forget ever thinking you're going to wear spaghetti straps. Not when you're this size. I've been harassed, teased, made fun of since 5th grade. I've been lectured by my mom about wearing a bra when back in the 70's everyone went braless. No halter tops for me.  My back hurts constantly, I have grooves in my shoulders, I have to buy the most expensive ugly bra's. I've always hated my boobs and look what they've done to me now.


I went to the dr and he said basically the same thing as the surgeon. Get the lumpectomy. He was happy I tested positive for hormone receptors. I said I didn't want them. I don't want to take something for 5 years that gives me a stroke, messes with my heart, gives me cancer of my uterine. He said they have a new kind, much better. I come home, look it up, it causes heart failure, fatigue, chest pains, joint pain and osteoporosis. I am already at high risk for that, my mom has severe osteoporosis. And it said you can't take it until you've taken the cancer stroke kind for 3 years. 


He also said radiation following the lumpectomy. I don't want that either. He tried explaining that they can shoot it in you at an angle so it doesn't go into your body too much. He tells me I'll need extra mammo's followed by MRI's. THEN tells me not to get too many mammo's because it's too much exposure to radiation?! wtf?! Then he shows us statistics on the computer and it says maybe I wouldn't need radiation so he goes with that. Way to be wishy washy. He was a nice man, seemed ok, but when I have cancer I want someone REALLY confident in what he's telling me. 


I told him I can't deal with all this, thinking bilateral mastectomy and reconstruction. He said if it's affecting my daily life, if I am stressing out too much and it's making me sick, then some women do choose that route. But he would rather I do the lumpectomy. Problem is, I do that, they find dirty margins (because I have clusters of calcifications) then we go back for another lumpectomy. So then I'm missing 4 walnut sized pieces of my boob. We can continue to do lumpectomies until we have a clean margin....and what? no boob left? and still the radiation and hormones. I don't HAVE to take the hormones but they are what reduce your risk for recurrence...for 10 years. 


He did recommend that I be tested for the BRCA gene. They didn't know if my insurance would cover it and it's $2000!! They couldn't figure it out, so they handed me a paper with the phone number to call and find out. Ok, I don't have my file. The dr said they might cover it because of my strong family history. But now I have to call and tell them all this? Isn't that for the office to do? I called, left a message, no call back yet. If I do test positive, he said 70% chance I'll get an invasive breast cancer, so no question there. 


I read this blog and the title of it describes exactly how I feel right now....cut the bitches off!

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