So I laid awake most of the night last night. Mind wouldn't shut off. Miserable night. No one should have to make the decision whether to cut their boobs off or not. Deep down I know this is what I need to do, for me, for my mind, but it's not an easy decision. I'm scared. Scared of the pain. Scared of what it'll feel like to have fake boobs that you have no feeling in. Scared of the phantom pain. Scared of nerve damage. Scared of never being the same again. Until this happened I was a normal, healthy person. I RARELY get sick, don't have any problems and now I have to make this huge, life changing decision. One that can't be turned back once it's done. No matter what they end up looking like, feeling like, pain or no pain, it's what I'll have to live with forever. But if I don't do it, not only do I have to deal with the radiation and hormones....which btw, I know millions of people do and they come out fine, but for me, I don't like it. I don't like the side effects and I've read too many blogs with people complaining about burning in their throats so bad they can't swallow and end up in the hospital dehydrated and no taste buds anymore and joint pain so bad they can't function and it lasts for years. It's just not for me. Don't want to face the depression. But am I creating depression in another way?? It's mind boggling this choice I have to make. This forever life changing choice. 


Anyway...if I don't do the mastectomy, then 5, 10, 20 years down the road I'm faced with breast cancer again. And they say if and when it comes back, it comes back with a vengeance. Then I'm really in for the fight of my life. Right now it's not a fight for my life like it will be then. But it's a window to fight for my future. Just scared of my future. 


Matt said to take today and just stay in my pajama's and watch mindless tv. Why does he think the real housewives of Beverly Hills, Tori & Dean and Teen Mom 2 are mindless shows??? ;)  I have never been able to just stay in my pajamas and do nothing all day. But today I might try.