digging around, freaking out

So, ever since I got my diagnosis, I started digging into my family history. I knew there was breast cancer there, but the more I dig, the more I find. It's ALL on my dads side. 2 of his sisters had it, but neither died from it. His niece, my second cousin had it and she did die from it, really young. Thinking late 30's, early 40's. I emailed with her dad, trying to figure out what kind she had. No one seems to know but he did say it was diagnosed at stage 1 and it progressed from there. She fought it for 5 years. It's extremely scary to me that it was diagnosed at stage 1 and she lost the battle. She had chemo, a mastectomy and I'm sure all kinds of other treatment, yet lost the battle. If I let it, my mind could really panic right now. I'm not even at stage one, which is a good thing, but it is the kind that spreads to the other one and it does come back. 


One of my aunts had it and my sister emailed with her and hers was very tiny, in one spot...just like me...and they thought it was best to do a mastectomy. And she took the tamoxifen for 5 years. I don't want to take that stuff. It scares me. I read all about it and the side effects are truly scary. Don't want to take any hormone receptors. 


The email also reminded us that a first cousin had breast cancer too, ugh. Too many discoveries for a panicked worry wart. Making my stomach not want to go out to eat tonight. I'm just getting to where I can eat more than one meal a day. Problem is that now that I've moved past the not being able to eat because of nerves, I have switched to stress eating. ugh, again.


All of this is confirming the decision I've made. I want a bilateral (double) mastectomy and reconstruction. I want them gone. I don't want radiation, I don't want hormones for 5 years and open myself to more cancers, I don't want to just sit here and wait for it to come back. I want them gone. I've never liked them anyway and now I just hate them. 


Check your family history people and by all means, get a mammogram!!