Plastic surgery

Had my plastic surgery appt yesterday. Went well. Really like Dr A. Goofy little man. I told him I wanted the one step straight to implant. He said I could do it, but said that if I did that, then whatever I come out looking like is it. No changing my mind unless I want another surgery. they'd have to open me back up and put a new, smaller implant in. He suggested a tissue expander. As soon as the words came out of his mouth my insides got all upset. I've read about these on some other blogs and knew I didn't want that AT ALL. I've read that with those, they put in temporary implants and they fill them little by little so that the skin can stretch. You go in every couple weeks or once a month and they put a little saline in each time, allowing your skin to stretch. then when you reach your desired size, they take out the temporary ones and put in the permanent implants. So it's 2 surgeries. Plus, you go in for fills every few weeks over the course of 6 months or so. I really just want to be done with this. I told him I didn't want to have to do all that and he said, no, there's a newer expander out that he uses. It's your permanent implant and it has a fill valve on it with a little hose. He fills it to the size you want, leaves that hose attached and on the outside of your breast you have a little button looking thing that he uses to fill or take out fluid.


So I am going with that. He said it gives you more room to play and figure out what size you want to be. He said bigger breasted women come in and always want really small breasts and then they don't like them or are embarrassed of them but there's nothing to do about it except another surgery. If I do this, then after a couple weeks, when the swelling goes down, I can decide if they are too big or too small. If too big, he can suction some saline out. If too small, he can put some in. then I go to the hospital for a 5-10 minute procedure that I don't even have to be put under for and he takes the tubing and button thing off with a small incision and the valve closes and I'm done. 


He was going to call Dr G and get their schedules together and then I'll be getting a call for my surgery appt. Was hoping I'd get it today but nope. Tired of waiting. Been thinking about this ALL the freaking time for 13 weeks and I'm just really done. Really want to move past this and have my life back. I hate waiting, hate worrying, hate wondering. One of the blogs I read said the worst part of it all is the anticipation of the days just before the surgery. That's encouraging. so I really just want to get it over with.


I had a meltdown Sunday morning. I was soooo stressed about going to the plastic surgeon. I let it build all day Saturday, trying to hide it from Matt because he was busy working on my master bathroom :) and by Sunday morning I was STRESSED, fighting the tears. When he got up he immediately seen it on my face and asked what was wrong and I LOST it. Had a good cry and then it was over. Once I get it out, cry, talk, I'm ok. And he's the best husband in the world. He's been so great through all of this. He knows just what to say, how long to lay with me or sit next to me or stand there and hold me. He's been nothing but encouraging and supportive. I honestly don't know how I would've gotten through this so far without him. 


So for now I just sit here and wait for the phone to ring. And every time it does, I throw up a little. (jk) ;) Scared to death, but what other choice do I have? The only other choice is to sit here and wait for an invasive, aggressive cancer to form. To me that's not living. To get MRI's every 6 months for the rest of my life and wait for my cluster of calcifications to turn out another bad one. Nope, can't live like that. I was reading another blog and the girls mom was in my situation. She did the lumpectomy and all that and dealt with all the tests for years and years. Lived life stressed out waiting for test results every year and then 15 years later she got that call. So I'm just choosing to not do it that way. I want to be able to live in peace.