Well, here I am again. It'll be 6 years this coming April since my double mastectomy and reconstruction. I had my last appt with my breast surgeon this past summer, after my 5 year mark. Everything is still good. No signs of cancer or anything like that so she released me. Felt good to put an end to the whole ordeal.
Over the last 2-3 years, I haven't been the same person. My anxiety has increased, my eye sight is worse and I don't have the energy and stamina I used to have. I've always been very active around here, bringing in wood, working outside, nothing really I at least wouldn't try to do and usually could do it. I used to walk 4 miles a day and do weight lifting and cardio. That ended sometime after my hysterectomy. I remember not "feeling it" and my back would get thrown out and put me in the chair for days. I tried some lower key aerobics but my back just wasn't the same. I ended up giving up. I just didn't have it in me and was frustrated that every single time I'd try to exercise, I'd hurt something. Seriously hurt something. And of course that ended up resulting in weight gain. I started seeing my dr about it, asking why I couldn't lose weight anymore. All 3 of my dr's told me the same thing, you are in a battle against your body. Because I had my breasts removed and a total hysterectomy, my hormones...what I have left of them...don't have many places to go. A woman's hormones first and foremost go to her breasts. Then to her female organs such as uterus etc. I didn't have any of this so they just kind of float around and don't know what to do with themselves. Hence weight gain and no weight loss. I tried several times to lose. At one point I lost 3 lbs in 5 months. Very discouraging but my dr would say, at least you're losing something. Anyone that has dieted and works their butts off at it knows that this is very frustrating. To completely change your eating habits, exercise, count calories, drink tons of water only to step on the scale week after week and see no losses. Again, discouraged, frustrated and quit.
Over the next year things really started changing. My back is terrible. I can hardly stand to go grocery shopping now. Ran some errands this weekend, in and out of stores and by the third store I'm limping and staying in the car while hubby goes in. Hip aching, down my leg, foot hurting. This is my new normal. I even made myself a pillow last summer for in the car because I can't stand for my foot to be on the floor. Everyone tells me it's my flip flops, I can't wear them but I don't think so because I haven't worn flip flops in 4 months and the pillow came out again this weekend. I don't feel like the same person. I'm constantly complaining to Matt about my back, my hip, my leg. I have this weird pain in my left breast. they itch all the time, which is very strange when I can't feel them. How are they itching if I have no nerves? Do you know how maddening it is to scratch and you can't feel it? And now whenever I try to stretch, my thighs cramp up. Yesterday I was getting gas, stepped over the hose and my leg cramped. I almost fell over. It hurt so bad. I have many other things going on with me. I have went so downhill over the last couple years and can't figure it out. It takes me forever to get down the basement stairs because of my right leg. Never mind coming up. There are days where I can hardly drag myself out of the chair to do anything. And not your typical, I feel lazy today. Like, I sit there and fall asleep. I feel like I weigh 500lbs and drag myself around. And it all wears on your brain. What is wrong with me??
I have also developed a constant cough and clearing the throat. I eat, I cough. I walk, I cough. I talk, I cough. I got diagnosed with asthma 3 years ago. Instead of listing everything individually, here is a list of what I am dealing with...
FATIGUE OR CHRONIC FATIGUE
COGNITIVE DYSFUNCTION (BRAIN FOG, DIFFICULTY CONCENTRATING, MEMORY LOSS
MUSCLE PAIN AND WEAKNESS, JOINT PAIN
HAIR LOSS, DRY SKIN
WEIGHT PROBLEMS
DRY EYES
HYSTERECTOMY
LOW LIBIDO
SLOW HEALING OF CUTS AND SCRAPES, EASY BRUISING
THROAT CLEARING, COUGH, REFLUX, METALLIC TASTES
GASTROINTESTINAL AND DIGESTIVE ISSUES (I've been saying this since my hystyerectomy)
NIGHT SWEATS, INTOLERANT TO HEAT/COLD (extreme!)
EAR RINGING
SLOW MUSCLE RECOVERY AFTER ACTIVITY
SORE AND ACHING JOINTS OF SHOULDERS, HIPS, BACKBONE, HANDS AND FEET
ANXIETY, DEPRESSION AND PANIC ATTACKS
SYMPTOMS OF OR DIAGNOSIS OF FIBROMYALGIA (I've been telling Matt for a few years I wonder if I have this)
SYMPTOMS OF OR DIAGNOSIS OF AUTO-IMMUNE DISEASES SUCH AS; RAYNAUD’S SYNDROME, HASHIMOTO’S THYROIDITIS, RHEUMATOID ARTHRITIS, (been saying same thing about RA)
Where did this list come from? Yesterday while cutting wood (the log splitter is very loud so my mind wanders since we can't talk), out of nowhere I remembered this episode of The Dr's tv show about some star that had her breast implants removed because they were making her sick. Why did that pop into my head?? So later on I came in to google. And oh my, the stuff I found. It's called BII. breast implant illness. This is about half of the list. I have these symptoms. My mind starts reeling. I'm reading articles and find facebook groups with women who are going through this. I join one, read some posts and now I'm scared. They ALL sound like me!! Some way worse!!! I have saline implants but was not told the shell is made from silicone. There is a list of the chemicals that are in the shell of my implants out there too. I will find it and post it but it's a scary list. Printer ink, benzene (gas), all kinds of poisons and they leak out into your body. Reading the posts from the women really scared me. Matt wants me to see a dr. Some of the women say good luck, no one will believe you. You will have to fight. I had to fight for my mastectomy and now I have to fight again? I'm not even sure what I want to do yet. My mind is reeling. Do I take them out and hope to feel better? What if I don't feel better? I think I can deal with being flat chested. I'm not crazy with how I look with the implants anyway. I just don't want to get sicker.
I will post more info when I have more time. In the meantime, ugh. I am really trying to not let my anxiety (diagnosed with after having the implants) get the best of me.
Marge
